User blog comment:Ubertheif/Fictional Chaos/@comment-26892768-20170701194620

...Not counting the note at that beginning, the title, and you giving out the title for the next chapter ("It's called..."), this is 551 words. There is a considerable lack of detail about who got dropped in (except for the ones you focus on, and even then, we aren't given much context), what they were doing before they got dropped in, and what they do in the first world, and in the second world, you admit that it's essentially filler. While what little dialogue we get is decent, it still has it's flaws and we don't get very much.

Quite frankly, this isn't very impressive. It doesn't catch my interest, and if this was the first chapter I read for a fanfiction, I wouldn't bother to read the rest.

Here are a few suggestions -

1. Detail. 'Use it. 'The paragraphs here are short and don't give much visual detail for the readers.

2. Use more dialogue. The conversation between Toby and Andrew was one of the better parts of this fic, and interactions between characters who would never meet otherwise are part of the draw of crosdovers.

3. Remember: this is an ADAPTATION. And not of a book or a movie or a video game; those have cohesive narratives. A roleplay is several users playing together with whatever characters they choose - or add later - with little to no planning between them and a lot of things happening just to keep the roleplay alive. With a book, game, or movie, you don't have to make any changes to the overall story because those things already had a narrative. With a roleplay, though, you have to make edits. This includes cutting out things that don't actually contribute anything to the plot - like, say, the Just Dance world visit.

That will be all for now. I'll just be heading back to rewriting my incomplete FNaF oneshot and finishing it.